This weekend, I was emptied. Saturday was all joy and good tired. By the end of Sunday, my neck had locked up again and I was a mess. This morning? I was sore at heart and so tired. Empty. Beyond my capacity.
This morning, I went off on a long walk. I have committed to having an “adventure” day where I go off and do something interesting with my body, or at least go walk somewhere without sidewalks and concrete once a week. I miss the wilderness, my soul craves it.
I left some stress up with the eucalyptus. And my raw parts were soothed and healed, and I started the process of filling back up. At least a tiny bit. I realized up there with the wind in the trees that I’ve talked about how awesome God’s work in our lives has been, but I hadn’t thanked Him directly – so I did that. I sang a little bit. I’m not whole, filled up and brimming over – but I’m okay.
This process of change, where I leave off the bits of me that need to go, and take up burdens, grow stronger… it’s no more fun than any physical process of strengthening has ever been. I had to have physical therapy once upon a time. And my PT appointments weren’t easy. But although there was pain, there was suffering – it was okay. I accepted that as a necessary part of the process. So too is this.
God is giving me enough – and more than enough. I get unexpected little grace notes all through my days and weeks. I feel His hand, I feel His blessing, I feel His mercy.
I am very tired. And sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m overcome with joy, and sometimes I succumb to worry or anger. But it’s okay. I accept this change. I know God has it in hand. It’s okay with me that He stretches me past my comfort. If He did not, I would not change.
At first I felt like I had it all figured out, that I’d analyzed all the things in my life that needed to change, that God was going to change. And I listed them out and looked up expectantly and said, “Okay, so this is what needs to change, I’ll change that, we can be done, right?” -rueful head shake- No. Because having some idea (some slight idea – I don’t think I know all or most of what He intends to teach me) of what must be done isn’t the same thing as building up the habits and muscles of actually doing it. Of repetition, even under stress.
This process is going to take time. The storm is going to hang out for a while. And I *don’t* know what will be at the end. I know God will work it for good, but I don’t know if it will be for *my* good or not. I don’t feel any assurance about any of the stuff the prosperity preachers would tell you to feel assured of. But it’s okay. It’s okay.
Because God didn’t ask me for that kind of faith. God asked me to submit to Him, to follow Him where He takes me. I don’t have to beat myself up for not being someone I’m not … yet. I don’t have to finish this test in half an hour. I can’t. I can just let this roll over me, and go forward. His will be done. I know He’ll do good with me, because that’s who He is.
It’s okay. And it’s okay that I’m not enjoying it. It’s okay. I’m not in control.