Duh moment. Writing down so I don’t forget it….
Sitting here trying to figure out why I’m having to wait for what I know God is going to bring, and yet again, I forget. I forget that I *asked* God to develop my patience. I was asked to ask by a mentor… it’s not one of those things that “they” will recommend you do, because growing patience isn’t particularly pleasant.
Patience is all wrapped up with faith – I’m not being patient for nothing, I have faith in God.
Yes, things are still up in the air. No, I don’t know what direction we’re going. No, I don’t like that. Yes, it was a lot easier to be patient and cheerful when I didn’t think anything was going to change. But change will come, soon or late.
And there you find fortitude. Content in discontent. This is, for whatever reason, God’s will. His PERFECT will. I am convinced that His will, will be done. And that it is, and will be, perfect in my eyes when I get ’round to His perspective. I’m just waiting to get there.
All the things that I am not good at, like dailyness and being in the moment, I am being forced to practice. It’s amusing, in its own way. I do find myself amusing… the flopping about like a fish out of water. It’s not as if my life is actively unpleasant, it’s a very nice life – I’m just being grown. Matured.
Why do I talk about it? In some ways, to talk it out. In other ways, because I don’t find a lot of folks writing amidst the struggle. I mean, if you’re struggling you’re not sitting down to write. So you get a ton of books written after the fact, encouraging you to walk through that moment with joy, because it will pass. And those things are encouraging. But … well, maybe I suffer from having grown up in a very outwardly perfect kind of church. I’ve talked about that. I don’t want to pretend to be someone that I am not.
And maybe I just want this to be out there, for the next person. The one that says it’s all too hard, and “you” are just super spiritual and “I” just am not. I’m not freaking super spiritual!!!!! If you had the *slightest* idea of the amount of whining-in-prayer I’m doing right now… oy. It’s good that God is all-loving, because I’m sick of myself.
And then there’s that too. We don’t talk about that… how we’re supposed to relate to Him like kids to our Father, not like adults to our boss. I’m learning that… learning, as I am sick of my whining, to not suggest that He take a certain course of action on my behalf, but just running to His arms and crying, “It hurts!”
Speaking of past grace, I’ve often said that if I knew how breaking my foot would fix my marriage, I’d have gotten out a hacksaw and chopped it off. That’s true. But IF it had been my conscious choice to cut my foot off to save my marriage (my foot is still attached, thanks) then I would always be able to point to myself and say, “look at me, how awesome *I* am, that I made this huge sacrifice and I *deserve* what I got in return”. Ugh. I don’t want to be that person – but I know that’s who I would be. It wasn’t a sacrifice – God just used the situation in myriad ways to get us through a storm we couldn’t have gotten through on our own. There were a lot of moments in that mess where God showed up with *perfect* timing… like when my SIL dropped by unexpectedly and talked us off the edge. She needed to be there, at that very SECOND. And she was. She doesn’t drop by that often. The day I broke my foot, I was about to give up and get a job, be more independent. Then I was made radically more dependent. God’s weird like that – He doesn’t teach the lessons we think we need to learn, or open the opportunities we think we should have, He provides what we really do need, in ways we couldn’t imagine.
So I know – I know I know I know – that God’s timing is perfect and His ways are mysterious. And I’m down.
As I’ve said before… my faith in God is solid. My faith in my understanding of His plans is not. And yet… I can’t shake that inner joy. What does that mean? I don’t know. For now, I guess it means I should go do the next thing that wants doing… even if it’s a fiddly bit of sewing. 🙂
Talk to y’all later.