He told me I would run…

2020 was a year, wasn’t it? The Good Book says that “hope deferred maketh the heart sick” and darn if that’s not the truth.

Folks are asking what 2021 goals I have. To be honest, I’m walking wounded where goals are concerned. I have a bone bruise. It’s not that I don’t have desires. I do. But goals? I had goals last year.

I started the year with surgery on my foot. I was assured that I would be up and running in a few months’ time. Running, that hope deferred for over a decade… oh, sweet hope. I knew it would take sweat and pain, but I looked forward to relearning to use those parts of my body. The freedom of movement without pain.

The top of that foot is still largely numb, the bottom of my *other* foot is in pain, and the surgery-foot was swollen enough that I had to wear compression socks and lace up shoes all summer. Needless to say, I’m neither running nor jumping as yet. The doctor was wrong.

2020 was just LIKE that. For everyone. I’m not special.

And I’m not special in the Word I’ve gotten for this year. I asked, on my birthday (beginning of Dec) for a word for my 48th year. My word was “restoration”. I looked up the Bible definition of that word: “The biblical meaning of the word “restoration” is to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is greater than the original condition. The main point is that someone or something is improved beyond measure. Unlike the regular dictionary meaning of “restoration,” which is to return something back to its original condition, the biblical definition of the word has greater connotations that go above and beyond the typical everyday usage.” (reference.com)

That’s a promise I’ve had – and been waiting on – for many a year. It’s been met, and more than met, in other areas of my life. I write about it seldom now but my marriage was restored by that definition. I know the taste of that word, its operation in my life. It is not a slight promise.

So I come to 2021 a paradox. In the flesh, I am utterly worn-out. My Christmas break was too short and much interrupted and I’m just about relaxed enough to actually have a break and get something out of it – but I go back to work (and nagging my daughter about schoolwork, which is more stressful) on Monday. The inner toddler is SCREAMING. She is not okay. “I”, whoever it is “I” am, look on the spectacle in concern. “Something must be done”.

But it is not for me to do. I learned in 2020 a lesson I had to learn in my marriage, before it was restored… there is only so much that can be done in the flesh. It is not for me to do, not for me to change. I have tilted at windmills. And now it is for me to see what God will do.

In the meantime, yes – I have desires. I look at my life and see a mosaic of bits and pieces. I picked up a bit here and a piece there, because I was missing this or that or the other thing. I move from inside one box to inside another, and that has its function – I give myself completely to whatever box I am in. But I’m TIRED of changing tiny boxes. I’d like to do a few big things and give them a lot more time and attention.

I could play the game and write down goals and lists and plans. I’m very good at all that. It is harder to be honest and say, “I am waiting upon the Lord, and in the meantime, I am walking forward as He directs”. “I am giving things up, because I want to make room”. “Hope”.

As I said, I’ve heard from others … I am no more special in the tone of this year’s promise than I am in the bruises I’m carrying from last year. Hope. Keep moving. Walk on. Fight on. Be repaired. See doors open. Those are promises given to other women. For me, it is “restoration”. And as I could not have predicted the riches and tender mercies that I was given in one restoration, I will trust that likewise this restoration will leave me breathless in awe.

But today? Today is still hard.

7 thoughts on “He told me I would run…

  1. nellperkins

    My book, which we’ve talked about entirely too much over on Elspeth’s blog, is pretty much all about me going through a similar process, only in regard to politics, religion, peace, and family. You will be in my prayers. So anyway, you already know what my book is about! Hugs.

    Reply
  2. professorGBFMtm2021

    Can’t wait for the might of manowar tonight!We were told we could rock!We came to rock!TO ROCK!If work gets you down!Raise the roof!WEROCK!YOUNG,WILD&FREE!We want the GBFMtm kid!We want him!Party-time!Too late to change classes!Everybody likes his style!Out on your own!Your constanly searching for the truth!Somewhere on a wednesday on a highway!Out of the wild!The airs growing colder!The professor of manowar studies is back!Red alert!Non-gauntlet metal coming!TELL everybody why you do what you do & leave everybody amazed!?Its just my heart talking mainly thats all!
    HEARTHIE
    You know I’m actualy a CHRISTIAN-MGTOW like BALLISTA74&wintery knight RIGHT?
    I have what the MANOSPHERE calls natural game I.E.I easily get everyones attention visualy mainly by my 6’3” frame or mentaly(See how I stun elspeth on my florida knowledge on her latest word post!) with my knowledge!Hence why I was such a big fan of the original GREATBOOKSFORMENtm(GBFMtm){Mainly talking about the bible I.E.”THE EXALTED WORDS OF MOSES&JESUS”&HOMERS ODYSSEY mostly plus the U.S.CONSTITUTION!}He knew better than almost anyone can all of us ”walking wounded” easily be helped?Like you said on your ”BEAUTY DESTROYS THE BEAST” post
    Think I beleave almost every man can easily become appealing to most women?No!
    Hence why I’m like the original GBFMtm who raised fun-loving hell on DALROCK &ROISSY/HEARTIST(Contradicting learning GAME!See?) from 2010 to officialy may,2015!He knew trying to get men to be super-appealing to women was’nt going to work!You think I’m trying to be diffirent from most on the net or do I naturaly stick out everywhere?How I know most of the natural game stuff is true?Myself like I said on ELSPETH!That 6 year old first G,F, I had?She approached me at recess and asked to be my G,F,!Why?Tallest kid period in class plus blonde hair&NON-CHALANTE styling&profiling!I looked like a 7 year old version of HE-man&the masters of the universe!I think some in the MANOSPHERE think I’m trying to stick out or is this who I obviously have always been?Ever see anything like my comments?I told ELSPETH why I never have tried to fit in anywhere,But I can easily get along with most people!I had to switch accounts so I could comment here(I forgot my wordpress p.w.!) &at ELSPETHs latest ”competence” post(See my paulmccartney/florida knowledge shining there on full-display!) today!You know how much fun I have been having on the manosphere since a last wednesday?I get up at 6:30 or 7:30am now for the first time since my mother died(heart failure brought on mainly by kidneys&arthritis) over a year ago.Thats how enthused I’am now about life after talking to people that I’ve been knowing for years since march/april 2012(Thats how long I’ve known about elspeth&ballista74!It feels like I was locked up in a cage since my heart gotten broken when my first G.F had to move to another state!I can barely listen to QUEEN’s ”one year of love” (from 1986’s first ”highlander” film in the bar scene playing in the background) without thinking of her!Hence why I can understand all the married &divorced guys better than most men like a certain guy I&ELSPETH have known for the last 4 or so years !P.S.People think I’m trying to impress them or is this how I realy think & act in RL but more sub-dued of course!?CERTANGUYP.S.He could’nt understand my madmax/melgibson language but you can right hearthie?Watch out for all my 79 year old knockout(Elspeth knows what this means years ago on DALROCK!) fans rushing the earthworks barricades!P.S.Would’nt you love a world full of this!?Then what the world is filled with?BRIGHTONROCKP.S.Thats who most of those opening sentences are LYRICS from their 1986 album!

    Reply
  3. professorGBFMtm2021

    Day off!With theGBFMtm kid!Day off!I got the day off!Feeling good all day long!I know how to have fun!Day off!Feel so good all day long!Feeling good!You too herthie(You like bertie higgins ”jamica me crazy” too?)?You know the origin of that 79 year old knockout stuff?Dalrock post ”are women through with men after age 55” where a woman said ”I did see this amazing 79 year old knockout once” in the comments on that post which numbered some 1600+or so as I remember before he cut off comments in jan 2020!I &ELSPETH was just talking about it on SIGMA FRAME post its frommon/22 our converse starts at 11:55pm on 23tuesday! called ”the sexual market is the marriage market” mine&elspeths talk begins at with my opening of ”unleach the hotties!WEROCK,YOUNGAT79WILD&FREE”(BRIGHTONROCK’s1986 ”youngwild&free”!) then I&ELSPETH discuss ernestine sheppard the nearly 80(Back in 2017!) year old bodybuilder that most men half her age would’nt ever do that much so how many women?Thats the point!But when we were in the 1980’s was any woman over 29 years old called a knockout?I even bring back memories of mona from whos the boss&blanche from golden girls to her mind!You know I barely take most things serious right?I listen to BERTIE HIGGINS KEY LARGO& DAY OFF then play spiked gauntlet music does that show you how serious I take most things?All this milf stuff is’nt silly to us who grew up with aunt bee &mrs.garrett?P.S.Non-chalante especialy in this foolish world is the way to be!I take very few things seriously!

    Reply
  4. professorGBFMtm2021

    They call you the professor!a outlaw untamed without shakles!some say they despiseyou!Maybe they do!But I bet deep down they wish they had your style!Professor your wreckless!your the joker in the card deck of life!I keep it real in style!Some guys think their serious red-pill stuff is going some where!Where?I’m not taking it serious enough supposedly to some!Their seriousness will work?Why has it not gone mainstream then?Like a certain guy he thinks everybody can become president too?Not everybody can do what some can do!Can everybody be the quaterback or team captain?But only if I took it serious!?Then tomorrow america would be saved!?Uh-huh?They have had hundreds of thousands of serious guys since the 1920s(Thats right a 100 years of serious going to get it done activism, has accomplished what?) in mens rights stuff what did it accomplish?But I’m the problem?This make sense? GREATBOOKSFORMENtm/GBFMtm is who kept my attention in the manosphere!I most likely would’nt have stayed interested in it without him!But I’m suppossedly the problem to some see, on SIGMAFRAME where my IRON EAGLE!NEVER SAY DIE! comment(From 1986’s IRON EAGLE film) got ELSPETH’s SAM laughing in RL?She said this on latest post there today!Whats all these important serious guys accomplished in RL?I got same laughing!What 99% of other guys done?But only if I was’nt doing it my way like frank sinatra until he died in 1997?!All of these super-serious people beleave in liberity?What law am I breaking?The law of standing out from the crowd of course!

    Reply

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