Learning to Let Go

Once upon a time… I learned some pretty hard lessons.   The cost of my disobedience rolled down hill and slammed into my face.   Turning around, getting right – that came at a high (albeit temporary) cost.  (I didn’t know that cost was going to be temporary).

I’m still carrying that fear.

The fear that not-being-perfect will mean that my dreams have to be burned alive – again.   I am absolutely terrified of being out of obedience to God.

I have new dreams.   Fully formed enough to call them goals.   I’ve done everything I can to reach those dreams.   But they depend on God’s will for my life.

Will I have another period of waiting for His pleasure and perfect timing?

Will I have the opportunity to reach my goals and make something of the gifts He’s given me in MY eyes?

I learned the lessons of surrender so thoroughly that at the least resistance, I fling my hands away like a child who has had her fingers singed at the fire.   Even if I think there might be resistance, I steel myself to watch my dreams disappear.

But that is flesh.   The flesh remembers the discipline.   The spirit within me is at peace.   She is confident that the goals will be realized, even if the outcome doesn’t look exactly like my dreams.    God will use me.

I am watching dominoes line up in my life, and they’re freaking me out more than a bit.  It’s so early, I’m wondering – are they going to fall in order, or is this another false hope?  But hope rises eternal.

I have a dream.

And this time, I think it’s going to become real.

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