I’ve been struggling lately to let go and get on with the lessons that God wants to teach me right now, and I’m struggling because I am clinging on to the lessons that I learned in seasons past.
My lessons-to-learn center on faith – I’m supposed to be chilling out with my eyes open, waiting to see what God will do. I’m supposed to actually tell him what I want, and be honest about emotions as they come up (or as they emerge from the soil in my psyche where I’d buried them).
That’s not an easy thing for me. I don’t do waiting very well, and I actively enjoy working for my goals.
But I get “wait” – even though I find being goal-less (for the moment) very discomfiting, I get it.
The hard bit is being asked to be honest about wanting the things I still want. I learned, veryveryvery thoroughly, the lesson about giving all your desires to God, and if something was becoming an idol, dragging it up to the altar and leaving it there. I learned the lesson about submitting my will and my desires to God’s plan, no matter how I felt about it.
That was a good lesson. That was an important lesson. But I can’t get on with learning new lessons until I stop obsessing about this one. It wasn’t the LAST lesson.
I was reminded of the lesson I am working on last night, at a baptism I wasn’t expecting to attend (prayer answered, -coughcough-), because the lady who was baptized asked for our testimonies, and I remembered the verse that brought me back to church:
Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!
Seriously. I’m sitting here typing this and getting schooled.
The reason I had to drag all my deepest desires up to the altar was because I couldn’t let them be. I had to fidget with them, daydream over them, and “work” on them constantly. Yes, I did get my fingers smacked for being grabby. But that doesn’t mean that forever and ever, I can’t put my hand in the Father’s hand and look at the pretty on the the display and say, “Ohhhh… that’s beautiful, Daddy. May I have that?” I got smacked for being GRABBY, not for wanting. And I’d gotten those things confused.
I don’t think I have them sorted yet, I really really don’t. But that’s what I’m working on – not working, just waiting to see what God will give me. And speaking up.
So – for you readers out there, I’m saying this – don’t let last year’s lesson get in the way of learning this year’s lesson. Don’t let the weirdness of saying, “I’m working on not working” (oh, pride doesn’t like that) get in the way of telling the truth. I love to learn, but this isn’t learning – this is breaking a paradigm of my life, breaking the way I see reality… and remaking the way I see faith and hope, from the ground up.
I hope for the same for all of you – it’s amazing.