Overstimulated

Social media and sugar have a lot in common.  They taste good in the first moment, they induce strong cravings, and they make you feel not-so-awesome if you overindulge.  The news channels could be compared to caffeine – they get you excited, then drop you on your head when you run out of the first flush of energy.

Anyone who’s ever seen me on a sweet cup of coffee (or better yet, a frapp) knows that I react very poorly to too much sugar and caffeine!  Likewise, too much social media and news has left me overstimulated and tired.   It generally does, even when we’re not in an election season.   But they’re just as hard to break off from – that source of stimulus protects me, leaves me an armor of busy thoughts, encourages me to think up clever repartee that I’m never going to use… it makes me feel ever so clever, and somehow as if I’m involved in the happenings of the day.

It encourages me to do exactly the opposite of what I am commanded to do, which is NOT to be anxious.

I’ve been looking at myself lately.  Having had a pretty intense experience with the fragrance of Christ, I yeeped off into a corner and hid.  Why did I do that?  What’s up with this crazy girl?

I’m afraid of some of the things I really want.  I’ve always wanted wisdom, but to get wisdom, I have to allow myself peace and quiet and silence and scariest of all, I have to allow myself to look foolish and simple.

I’m frightened of that.  If I’m not the smart girl, who am I?  What’s my identity?

If I have thoughts, and don’t write them down, and forget about them, and someone else writes them down and claims them, do I disappear?

In order to go further along in glorifying God, in showing His light more brightly, I have to be willing to be changed.  I have to be willing to put my “selfness” aside.  Not my real self, which is the odd thing, and very hard to explain.  (This is all very hard to explain).  My inner self, the quiet self?  She’s not going anywhere.  But the outer, chattery self, the one who self-advertises?  She needs to take a break.  I looked at her, and found that most  of what she’s doing is based out of fear.  That’s not on.  My “most authentic self” (blerk) is not that person.  And trying to make myself that person is like pounding espresso in order to stay up late – it doesn’t work in the long term.

But most importantly, I’m getting in the way of God showing through.

I have a lot to sort out.   No, I’m not going away.  I will still post on my usual erratic schedule.  And I’ll still be on FB, because my ministry is to individuals, and if I can’t contact the individuals, I can’t minister to them.  But I’m going to be pulling back a bit.  Letting God come through a bit more.  Listening and responding to Him and then – the hardest part – STOPPING when He hasn’t led me to continue.

It’s going to be hard.  Sugar is addictive, and so is constantly checking in.  Am I here?  Are you?

Just some thoughts.

 

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