I love the way God works. Not saying it’s always my favorite, but at the same time I love it, love the knowledge that I’m not to be allowed to be too stupid.
Had gotten myself properly keyed up about my business, and freaked out because try as I could, I couldn’t make clients appear out of thin air. My method of dealing with obstacles is to back off and attack from another angle. Perfect recipe for success – according to the World. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s good.
But. But what I do is get keyed up and focus on myself and depend on myself and… it goes downhill from there pretty fast. I stop relying on grace, and start relying on works. I forget that it is God who will provide, not me. I just work harder. (Again, not a bad thing in general – it’s what it does to me in specific that’s a problem).
And finally, when I have myself wound up to the point that a sudden loud noise can send me weeping off to my bedroom… I get with God and am told, “In My time, not in yours. In My season, not according to your plan. Take your hands off the wheel, you gave it to Me, and I’m not giving it back.” And then I take a deep breath and stop trying to grab control out of His hands… and find that my creativity comes back, that ideas for my business start flowing, that opportunity opens up… and that, honestly, I’m working just as hard, but I’m not *depending* on myself, I’m just doing what’s in front of me to do.
This, this requirement that I stay softened, is consistent throughout my life. Whenever I’ve felt like it’s time to gird up and fight hard … I’ve had my armor pulled off and my sword confiscated. Sometimes that’s really hurt. Sometimes, like this time, it was just a reminder to not be a dork.
I can’t do my job if I harden myself. My real job isn’t image consultant, it’s …whatever you’d call the last post. I don’t think English is a good language to use the words, “freelance Lover of people”, I really don’t. -rolls on the floor laughing- But I can’t DO that if I don’t fill myself up with love and joy and have my eyes open for need.
Pastor Mike had a sermon last week … last verse of 1 John. No idols. It triggered the realization that I’d started depending on me. This week has been a week of letting go, releasing the push, and finally, yesterday, sleeping virtually the whole day through. Has this been totally fixed? Nope. I’m going to have to remind myself to depend on God and not on me every day…. and that’s a lesson, and a form of softening, in and of itself.
And that’s fine. Ultimately while I have plenty of wishes… my most profound desire is to be the woman that God wants me to be. He knows best. And me? I’ll just laugh at Him reining me in once again.