I am the richest woman in the world

… well, at least in the way I count riches.  And I suffer from survivor guilt.   I don’t deserve my life.  I am unable to give back properly, however I try.

We’ve been talking about how our myths are shaped by our realities (and vice versa).  My reality is amazing.   I have always been surrounded by agape love.    My given name even means “beloved”.   I can honestly say that I take love for granted.   I can force my brain to consider other possibilities, but frankly I assume that you’re going to be kind to me, just because that’s how people are.

When I had my reality crashed into… when I found out that real people that I knew and loved, not just people in books, had dealt with the unimaginable… that messed with me.  How do *I* deserve to have a good life?  I don’t.  I didn’t do anything.  God chose me for this.  Why?

Speaking of being raised a certain way… I was raised so if your loved ones are hungry and you’re full, you share.  I can’t share my assumptions.  I can’t share my past.  I can share my love – I can love on as many people as come into my circle, but it never feels like enough.  It can never be enough.  My little bit can never offset my riches.  It’s impossible for me to share, and it makes me crazy sometimes.  I scramble around, frantic, trying to do enough, to somehow pour the joy and love inside of me into the people around me.  And I fail.

They call this survivor guilt, I’m told.  I don’t have some weird need to have been hurt – thanks, but no thanks.  I’ve got a few scars, don’t want any more.  But there’s no end to the need, I feel like one woman against an ocean… All my post-childhood experience has done is show me the extent of the need.

But they don’t need me.  They need Jesus.  Eh.  That’s true but pat.  Of course they need Jesus.  But aren’t we called to love our neighbor as ourselves, and is not love the sign of the Christian in truth?  What about the parable of the talents?  Yes, Hearthie will be doing some praying tonight, that’s for sure.


I go back and forth with the deepening of the darkness around us.  On the one hand, hypocrisy is nasty – at least now we can’t deny that our society is desperately ill.  On the other, the pretense of goodness gave a scaffolding for goodness in truth to grow unhampered.  (Conversations relevant:  https://terrysbookobsession.wordpress.com/2016/04/27/els-rabbit-trails-delicious-is-down-edition/#comments  http://buchanan.org/blog/if-god-is-dead-125152)

The ruins of our society mean that far more children are left in abject emotional and spiritual poverty.  They grow up going after the things of the now, the sparkle-pretties, because the incredible riches of love have never been communicated to them.  Sadly, it’s easy to learn to love sparkle-pretties and live for ourselves and the now, but it’s very hard to learn to live for eternity and value the people around us, and trust that they will value us in turn.

Our society has changed its assumptions.  Once upon a time, everyone pretended that they had loving families, even when they didn’t.  Everyone pretended that they’d fight for good, even if they wouldn’t.  And we all wanted to be the white hats.  That’s changed.    I know that there are people who feel like they can only trust the things they can put their hands on.  So many lies in their lives, how can they have a shield of faith?

Where does this lead the conversations we’ve been having about myths and realities?  Well, my myth is pretty nice.  Everything will always work out, and strangers will always help if you really need help.  You get up and fight as hard as you can for the cause of good, because that’s what you do.  What else would you do?  Dragons are out there, waiting to be slayed.  You’ll get knocked down but never out.  Oh wow, there are a lot of dragons.  Well, … best get busy then.  I’m a paladin at heart, I suppose.  But aren’t all my readers just the same?  I mean… right?  -sigh-

Bit of a tangled post, but it all wanted out.  Discuss.


5 thoughts on “I am the richest woman in the world

  1. Jenny

    I love what you’re saying and it’s so true. I feel that I get to where I believe I truly have all I need, that I’m truly rich in blessings also. But it is such a struggle for me. I wake up empty and anxious, it isn’t until I’ve spent time in the word, or in quiet time, or on a long walk, that I find peace. Then after dealing with difficult people or situations, I need to recharge again, and again or I turn sour.

    1. hearthie Post author

      The emotion is transitory. 🙂 I’m human and sparkle pretties are always there. I get a lot of reality checks though – my wealth is a truth that doesn’t wander off.

    1. hearthie Post author

      I’ll approve your comment because your tshirt is adorbs and you were so very polite, but generally I don’t approve sales on my sites. I don’t wear tshirts except to the gym though, so no purchase here. (FWIW the shirt is cute).

      1. Laura

        Thank you for your kind words regarding my t-shirt, I’m new at designing apparel and kind comments and suggestions are always appreciated. I am sorry for using your site to promote my product, I won’t do it again. Btw you are quite polite yourself 🙂

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