I’ve been pretty straight with y’all that striving and grasping are two of my major areas of sin/temptation. I’m forever trying to go things alone, to stride forth in my own strength, and yelling at myself when I’m not on schedule (preferably ahead-of-schedule) with reaching my goals.
I set pretty high personal goals this year. And then I cc’d my pastor (well, he did ask), so I feel super accountable to be making progress all the time.
Guess it was time for a little attitude adjustment. I spent half of February and a good chunk of March sick as a dog. Too sick to work out. Too sick to think or write most of the time. Just floppy. And I was going *insane*. Not only does it bug me when I can’t think or move, I wasn’t making any progress! I was letting my people at the gym down! I couldn’t possibly make my goals if I DIDN’T WORK!
But I didn’t get where I am on my own. I didn’t find crossfit on my own – why am I going crazy ’cause I’m not training? Why am I driving myself insane ’cause … well. Why?
Because I’m all about doing things on my own.
Is that how I’m supposed to live, in my own strength? Oh, that’s prideful.
I see this when I counsel. If I pray before I counsel, the words come. Sometimes some very specific words come (that’s word-of-wisdom) and there’s a pressure to say those words very much like the pressure of being under conviction of sin. It would be a sin not to say whatever it is that I need to say. And folks come back and say, “this really helped” and I’m thinking, “Oh yeah, but that soooo wasn’t me, I didn’t even want to say that”.
And that’s good. I like that. But I’m such a dork. Even when I’m having awesome counsel, I can’t just *shut up* and stop talking when I’m not given words. Because I have to add stuff to be relateable (this is tots my worst counselling sin) or fill the silence or … just “have I said enough”? And then I worry that I said the wrong thing… because I was leaning on ME.
To whom much has been given, much is required. And I want to do well. I want to do stuff. Lots of stuff. I *like* striving.
But it’s not my gig. Strive in the moment, when I’m given the job to do? Yes. Plan the week ahead with more work than five women could do? No.
The lesson to learn is to respond to God, to respond to the opportunities that He has given me. And boy howdy has He set opportunities to reach even the most microscopic of my goals in front of me lately. BUT – I’m not supposed to hunt, stalk, and pounce those opportunities for myself.
Does that make sense? To accept the gift when it is given, to take the step that is in front of me, to say the word that’s on my lips, to pray as I’m directed… but not to grasp or strive for any of that, just to rest in the Lord. Not very Western thinking.
Talk to me.