… or, “Trying to be more virtuous than you actually are”.
Having been dealing with some stuff lately that has caused me to head screeching back to the prayer closet*. That’s all with the good. But then I try to be *veryverygood* once I wander off on my own, and my best isn’t enough.
CS Lewis wrote about this – how until you came to the end of your best efforts, you couldn’t wave the white flag of surrender to God.
So. I like to tease these things out to look at them, and this is what that tangle looked like:
– pulls pieces out- Huh. The difference between how I’d like to respond and how I actually am responding is pretty big. But the distance between that and the response of perfect faith is vast.
- My trying, on inspection, looks a lot more like burying than giving over.
- I’m beating myself up over my lack of perfection.
- I’m seeing physical effects (grinding my teeth in my sleep, knotted muscles) from my trying.
Two things. I could use some coping mechanisms… that’s the human side (and I’m done pretending that I’m too good to use those when I need them). But the big thing is that self-control has failed. Therefore, I must turn to God-control.
I actually drifted off to nap thinking, “how do I do God-control”? -snorts-
It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? “How do I …” is just another way to ask *myself* to control *myself* – and then beat myself up for my failure.
So, when I woke up and laughed… I prayed the prayer, “God – I’m giving over control of my reactions to this situation. I’ve done my best, and my best doesn’t cut it. All yours.”
I’m sure I’ll have to use some coping mechanisms (and lots of prayer and self-reminder) to avoid struggling against His control. And a sense of humor when I fail.
I’m done with the cult of St. Hearthie – I’m *not* perfect.
Anyway. I figured this is a process we all go through, so I’m sharing it. I don’t like to keep this stuff just for myself. That encourages the cult too, IMO.
Off to do my devotions (time ran short this morning) and then I think I have an appointment with fuzzy puppy videos. And then… we’ll see where we are.
*Yes, please pray. No, don’t worry. God’s got this – I have complete faith in that, I’m just not enjoying the process much. Flesh wars against the spirit, y’know? And no, I’m not going to tell you about it.