This goes out to Sarah’s Daughter and STMA. Elspeth, I’m expecting your input. Anyone else with an alpha-wolf hubs, feel free.
- My version of alpha is based on the one I live with, the one I’ve known and loved for the past 29 years. YMMV. It’s not exactly the same as the manosphere version.
- You are accountable to God for your actions and attitudes. To Him be the glory. We are *commanded* to certain actions and attitudes towards our husbands. Since emotion is never legislated, that means that we’re talking about choices. If life is giving you lemons right at the moment, that means that you respect the office even if the man is making you crazy. Obedience in the face of difficulty is an honor, and it says a lot about your character. Nothing written here is to be construed as a reason to disobey or disrespect your particular husband. If you need help rummaging up respect for the man, there are tools to help you along, and I’d be happy to share those.
- People is people. Don’t, please, categorize any human and leave them in a box, don’t “other” them and see them as something completely different from yourself. It’s foolish. Your husband is on his own path of sanctification, he’s got his own baggage, his own past, his own dreams. He has to deal with God on his own, he has to make his own choices – just as you do. We are all accountable to the Lord. You can’t make anyone do anything. Don’t try, it’s ugly and likely to backfire. Let your husband be who he is. This is written to help you understand him a bit better, hopefully.
The manosphere writes about alphas as the be-all, end-all way to be male. It’s not. Alphas are meant to be the leaders of packs, not just the leaders of their own households. If everyone was supposed to be just as aggressive, just as possessive, it would be really hard to develop a team over the size of a household. How much of a pack your male needs to lead will vary – some need to lead huge packs, some need to lead just a wife and children. They tend to sort this out amongst themselves, and we should let them do this. Your loyalty is to your man, end of story.
I have zero respect for most of the “alphas” I hear written about (usually enviously). It’s a poor shepherd who eats fresh mutton every night – if you’re in the game for what you can get for yourself, you’re a menace, not a leader. Rank hath its privileges – but it heavy is the head that wears the crown. One goes with the other.
What makes a confident guy who has a backbone into an alpha, or a dominant? Some of it definitely is that soupcon of aggression, the willingness to fight for his own. Some of it is the need to control.
There is a huge difference between being dominant and being domineering. Dominants want to protect the ones under their care, and make them the most they can be. Domineers push the ones under them down in order to lift themselves up. They act out of fear, out of wounded pride.
Dominants attract other males because of their leadership abilities – the other males want to be around them, want to join in teams with them, want to be part of the pack. Domineers refuse to be around other men, because they are afraid those under their control will leave for greener pastures.
So, what do I know about dominant males?
- There is usually a reason that they developed dominance. Charisma might have come easily to them in youth, but the “I must control/protect/provide” urge is something that is forged in need.
- They need to lead others. It is not about pride (although they can often be prideful), it is a visceral need to provide/protect/control those around them – for their good. They take the needs of their pack very seriously. They spend time thinking about how to help their packmates, and they will go to great lengths to do so.
- Especially when young, putting family over pack can be… problematic. A wife can feel the bite here. This is something that can (and should) be pointed out to your dominant – that his priorities are out of whack. Then you drop it. (That’s what a good second-in-command DOES – she tells the Captain the consequences of his actions, then she lets him steer where he will, and deal with what comes).
- Let him deal. Let him direct. He doesn’t mind, he really doesn’t mind being in charge of all the things, and being the heavy. This is something you can rest in, and once you rest in it, it’s lovely. But take care of the tasks he’s set you – that matters to him, that he can trust you.
- Dominants are ridiculously strong. They may expect you to be proportionally strong, and ask you to do more than you’re able to do, or handle more emotional strain than you’re capable of carrying. This is, if anything, a sign of respect. That’s fine… but you have to tell them when you’re at your limits. You belong to them (dominants take ownership very seriously) and you are their problem. This communication and the fallout are unpleasant for all involved (can I get an Amen, ladies?) but the cycle of doing your best while you’re crying inside and then snapping is worse. BTDT, got the tshirt. I’d prefer not to see anyone else wearing one, so just be honest. Although in the face of a displeased dominant male, that’s not so easy, because…
- His anger is scary. I’ve never had one millisecond’s concern that my husband would hurt a hair on my head, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared of his anger. There’s so *much* of it. It’s so intense.
- They like honesty. Loyalty. Integrity. “Like” is much too mild a word. These are huge for them.
- Being linked to a charismatic male who instinctively protects means that you are constantly going to have to deal with women throwing themselves at him. It gets old. Real.Old.Real.Fast. If you didn’t have anyone at your wedding in a black minidress and fishnets… well. I have *stories*. Learn to laugh at their hijinks. He won’t mind telling you about them.
- Because he doesn’t lie, and he’s totally confident in himself. So why wouldn’t he share that stuff?
- He wouldn’t have married you if he didn’t want you as a wife. Line forms to the right… he had plenty of options. He might be tough on you, especially before you sort that whole, “I’m can’t carry that” thing – but he *likes* you. He wants your company.
- Don’t be bothered trying to act less than you are. He’s stronger than you are – so be as strong as you can. He’s more confident than you are. Go ahead and be your best, he’ll put you to better use. He’s totally fine with that, and he’s completely unthreatened by you. You don’t have to play games. See #7. He *hates* games. If he wanted a flibbertigibbet … see #8, he could get one. Or two.
- You belong to him. You know that in theory, he knows that in his gut. Go with it, it’s pretty awesome. And he takes his ownership very, very seriously.
So. If you’re married to a dominant, alpha male kind of dude, the best thing you can do is be honest, obedient and loyal. If you’re going through rough seas, you turn your eyes to the Lord. (Well, have your eyes on the Lord all the time). You can’t change any other human, but you *really* can’t change a dominant – don’t try, it makes him mad. Pray. Have faith. Do what you’re supposed to do, be right with God, and let God sort things out.
A mature relationship with a dominant is incredible, you cannot imagine how cherished I am. Then again, I’d make another man absolutely crazy, I’m not exactly Mistress Mellow.
Questions? Els, Maea, chime in please. (I would have written this earlier this week/sent it ’round to E, but I was sick, so I didn’t).