I have two modes.
- Hanging around, analyzing every little bit of everything, trying to figure out how I should improve myself, what I’m doing wrong, etc.
- Running for the horizon, bit in my teeth, doing what I’m doing and not paying a bit of attention to anything else.
There’s no middle ground. Sorry. I’m (almost) 43. I’d have noticed by now.
I’ve been in the former state for some time now, trying to figure out what I should be doing, where I should be serving, how I can *do more*, *be more*, etc. Except… maybe I’m fine. Maybe that’s what God’s been trying to tell me. It’s not like I’m not taking the opportunities to serve that I’m given. Maybe I just need to do what I’m doing. Maybe instead of doing MORE things, maybe I should work on learning more about what I’ve been given – go deeper, not broader.
That too is something I’ve been given more of lately – from every corner, “use your mind as well as your heart”. Because my faith is in the bone, there are a lot of questions that I am not bothered to ask. But, as I grow and have more opportunities to share my faith, I need to be able to answer those questions.
Because that *is* how I use this peaceful life – I have time for other folks. I’m the one who has time to sit down and chat for an hour (okay, it’s on the phone and I’m ironing) when you need a friend. And that’s a ministry, even if there’s no tag to wear around my neck.
So. Reading those tea leaves, trying to figure out what I *should* be doing, what comes next? It’s time to fill my cup back up and stop poking about, trust God and my husband* to lasso me if I start running the wrong direction, and do what I’m doing – only better.
More? More study. More notes. More life (family, art, friends). I’m looking all over for where I should be – and where I should be is right where I am.
*For your amusement, this morning I was telling DH about this and he was laughing at me, so I said, “you really don’t question yourself constantly?” “No. No I don’t.” Wow. What must it be like to just do what you’re doing and not worry about doing it wrong?