I realized one thing this week on my walk, and one thing tonight, working through that book that Elspeth recommended we all read this week.
Item 1: If I need something, God is faithful to bring exactly that something into my life. Fussing about figuring out all the details of exactly what I want is an invitation to covetous sin, and it’s stress inducing, anxiety inducing… and totally a waste of time. God’s got this. [Instead I should figure out what’s going on in my head and talk it out with God].
Item 2: I am not on this earth, in this hologram, to fill every one of my dreams. (This is very countercultural thinking). If I think, “Gee I’d like to live somewhere else. Where exactly do I want to live?” You know what I’m NOT thinking? (other than point #1) I’m not thinking, “What was I put on this earth to do, and how can I serve God today?” [Instead I should tell God everything, from how desperately I want to please Him to much I miss looking at trees].
I edited this… because I took the advice of that book and took my daydreams to God. I was expecting to leave them on the altar, get my nose-thump, and get on with life. I was very surprised not to get that “thump”.
Another lesson I’ve been learning lately, something from the still small voice… it’s to stop hitting myself about stuff that wasn’t sin that I’ve grown past. Pardon my difficulty putting this in words, please. It’s *not* that I don’t think there is stuff in my life to be sad about. But I tend to respond to the instruction to step up to the next level by hating on myself for being on the level I’m at, or the level before that.
I am not yet perfectly grateful or perfectly trusting. But I’m being called up, pulled up to the next stage in the growth of those virtues. And maybe I need to be grateful for the place I’m in. Maybe I need to be grateful for having gone through the years. Maybe I need to trust that God is in charge of me, as I have so often begged Him to be. That though He *could* make me as virtuous as I’ll be the day I die… today… that that’s just not how He does it.
Maybe I need to rest and go forward and stop turning ’round on this walk so I can throw stones at the woman I was a year ago. Maybe I need to extend love and forgiveness to myself, as well as to others. Maybe I should laugh at myself and resume the dance… and maybe in being in this moment, without denying my dreams or my past, maybe in that moment, I’ll learn patience.