I like control as much as the next person. As I’ve been writing about control as an illusion, I’m starting to realize that one of the ways I exhibit my desire to control my life is by displaying the inverse. When I can’t get the results that I want, I walk away. I give it my all, do everything I’m “supposed” to do – and when it doesn’t work out, I can say, “Well, I did everything I was told, and it didn’t work, so I’m out!”
I’m showing that my hope is in the result. That what matters is what I’m showing, not what I’m doing. The outside, not the inside.
It’s results-oriented. I’m trying to let God make me into someone far more process-oriented. There are far too many factors in life that I have no control over – results aren’t my business. But that doesn’t mean I can just throw up my hands and walk. Nope. I still need to do my duty, even if I think my right actions aren’t making a difference. There’s where faith comes in – having the faith that God’s got it, and He’ll make good from my little mud pies.
And ripping my hope in the results out and letting it burn. Because God’s “good result” might not be *my* “good result”. Our pictures aren’t necessarily the same.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
It’s tempting for me to play it safe when I decide to be process oriented. Why give my all and not get my prize? After all, if I’m going to sweat, I’m going to sweat for a result, right? RIGHT?
Colossians 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
That verse was written to servants serving their masters, but can it not equally apply to me, working for myself? Am I not a human? How much stuff do I do *for myself*. For *my* goals, for my pride, for my glory? (Yes, I’m wincing as I write this).
There’s no way to rip this desire to please myself out without replacing it with something else. So then, with what shall I replace this?
With a desire to please my Lord.
And how can I make *that* desire more than an intellectual exercise? I have to spend more time with Him. Fall more in love with Him. Talk more with Him, and listen when He tells me where to reach and when to wait.
Greater dependence on God, less dependence on me. … And still get up, do what has to be done, and do my very, very best while I’m doing it. Shine and dance and sing – for an audience of One.
The way out of perfectionism, the way to let go control, is love. Loving Jesus and obeying Him in all things.
(In an exhibit of God’s usual humor, I started listening to a CD that I bought my husband for his bday as I was writing this. The first song and the first paragraph… ah, Lord. Some days you’re louder than others… -shakes head, laughs softly-)