I’m a dork

You go off and ask God to change you in massive ways… and then get all confused when you find yourself doing different stuff than you’re used to doing.  You wonder, “Why can’t I…” and get disgruntled when the answer comes, “because you know perfectly well you don’t really want to”.  

I ask God to help me with my idol of approval – and then get disgruntled with the process.  The start of the process (at least) is uncomfortable – it involves being brutally honest instead of hiding behind bland smiles.  And then people think I’m miles away from my actual position.  It’s like… I’m supposed to learn to care less about what people think and people don’t think the correct things about me!  Harumph!  Yeah.  DORK.  

And I don’t know why it was super important to write this tonight but apparently it was.  -laughs-

If no one else finds my writhing amusing, *I* do.  I’m a dork.  😉

But you knew that.  

21 thoughts on “I’m a dork

  1. gdgm+

    Hello Hearthie,
    Lurker here. I think you meant to finish with “If no one else finds my _writing_ amusing”, but you wrote “writhing”. Could still work, but not in the way you intended!

    1. hearthie Post author

      I appreciate the warning! 🙂 But it’s my writhing *I* find amusing… the whining and stomping my feet and “But this change isn’t cooooommmmfyyyyy” stuff. I don’t consider my writing all that amusing, although I seem to be alone in that. 😀

      1. Maeve

        LOL Hearthie, sometimes I get this visual of Him as a caveman – dragging me along by my hair, as I’m kicking and screaming, and bawling, to that place I want to be (I just don’t want the journey there).

      2. hearthie Post author

        Yeah. It’s silly, that’s why I point it out… 😀 “Can you make me less interested in people’s approval?” “Oh. But I wanted to do the stuff I always do. I like that stuff, it’s comfortable. What do you mean I have to not do it for a while in order to be a new person? I just wanted to be different, I didn’t want to … awww, shucks.”

      3. Maeve

        Do you think we’re wired to find comfort zones and then stall there? I’m finding that I can create a comfort zone out of a not-really-healthy place – and then be reluctant to set it aside, even though I know I’m in a place that’s ultimately damaging to me.

      4. hearthie Post author

        “Wired”? Hm. Not sure about that… maybe part of the Curse? I think it has to do with not wanting change. Or – in my case, wanting change but not wanting transition (which is exactly what you said, lol). I get fidgety and bored and want change… but I don’t want to CHANGE, I want to just be a more awesome version of me. God’s not okay with that – if I ask to be changed, He changes me.

      5. Maeve

        You know, Hearthie, your comment makes me think of something my mother said to me along the lines of, “I never ask Him to help me learn to have more patience” – she said something along the lines that of all the prayers she made, that one would be the one he’d pay most attention to and she didn’t think she’d survive it. LOL

      6. hearthie Post author

        You know, that came up when B and I were discussing the book we’re working through. I said the same thing as your mom. It’s almost a Christian cliche’. B called me on it, and I’ve been praying for more patience. Surprisingly, it’s not too painful. I had *waiting* down, it’s just I’m not very patient about the waiting… please tell me to the minute how long I have to wait, lol.

        I think that’s why I’m getting worked on so energetically with opening up to Hope. Without Hope, patience IS just waiting nicely.

  2. Maeve

    Hearthie, this is totally unrelated, but I’m so gobsmacked disgusted – apparently Harvard Extension Cultural Studies Club is hosting a Black Mass with a Consecrated Host (there would be few things more abhorrent to a Catholic) and they’re equating it with “Shinto Tea Ceremonies” and “Buddhist Meditation” presentation. I follow The Anchoress on the Patheos site and when this popped up, I nearly threw up. What is wrong with people?

    1. hearthie Post author

      People are evil. And -slap Christianity in its face- is a very popular pastime lately. :p

      Or, just another reason I’m pre-mil. Come back, Jesus! WE are obviously not going to fix this mess.

      Anecdote: I took Women and Religion as my (mandatory) study group in my first Women’s Studies class. Ended up having to have a long, witnessy conversation with my section leader about why I wouldn’t be attending the Spiral Dance.

    2. hearthie Post author

      I want to know how they got consecrated Host. I mean, you guys don’t use gluten-free matzoh, I don’t think you can buy it at the grocery store. (It offends me too, I’m just kind of used to being offended).

      1. Maeve

        LOL – no you can’t! Thing is the only way you would get one is to actually steal it out of the church – they’re kept in a Ciborium (looks like a footed cup with a lid) inside the Tabernacle, which is often actually behind the altar itself. You can tell that there are actual Consecrated Host in the Tabernacle if the red candle/light is lit. (until it’s consecrated, it’s just a wheat and water wafer – nothing special at all).

        Apparently there is now much backtracking and “oh nooooes” and the like. I’m not sure what to believe, but Elizabeth Scalia puts it nicely when she says:

        “Interesting. Serving secular-atheism with a mind toward “unshackling” Satan from the confines of wariness seems to me a most dangerous undertaking. As a believer, I will pray for them. Having spoken with diocesan exorcists, I know that many people who have no real intention of inviting in the dark end up becoming imprisoned by it.”

        This is the latest update if you’re curious: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theanchoress/2014/05/07/satanic-temple-corrects-we-wont-use-consecrated-host/

        The whole saga is distressing and disturbing at the same time. Sometimes I get the impression that people thing “evil” is not real – that it can’t corrupt or taint. Or more like, “if I don’t believe in something, then it can’t be real so there’s nothing for me to worry about.” Dangerous and foolish.

      2. hearthie Post author

        Interesting. Have you ever read the Bondage Breaker? It’s a very evangelical book, but yeah.. some folks don’t know what they’re playing with, for certain.

        And THAT is all too common.

      3. Maeve

        Hearthie, agree with you completely – lots of people getting into things they don’t understand and then can’t understand the disasters that result from such ignorance. I’m not familiar with that book, but will check it out. Thanks,

    3. donalgraeme

      Good grief Maeve. I’m not sure how I missed that story, even while traveling. Frankly, it shouldn’t be surprising considering some of the other pagan rituals I’ve heard of at Harvard. Skipping over to Satanic Worship isn’t that far of a stretch.


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