The Ah-Ha Moment

Pastor Mike said he was praying for all of us to have an “Ah-Ha Moment” during Easter services this weekend.  Mine wasn’t particularly related to the sermon, but have it I did.   And it will explain why I write as I do.

The source of most of the worst sin in my life is fear.  Oh I’ve other sin, but I mean the stuff that I’m really *ashamed* of.  The stuff that even my best friend doesn’t know about.  That stuff.  The times when you do something you know is wrong – because you’re afraid of: someone finding out…. losing someone… being hated…failure… etc.  Deliberate, willful sin.   I need to make this not happen.  I need to make this better.  I need to have control!

Fear of God leads you to confess your failures and your mistakes and your missteps.  It leads you to grit your teeth and tell the truth in the face of a relationship that might end.  Fear of God means you stand up for what’s right, even if a sword’s to your neck…. or in your heart.  It’s a deliberate choice, to do what’s right and leave the consequences to God – no matter what.

And so I am working on a journey into bravery.  I wish I could say that I *didn’t* have to struggle with the little voice that says, “you could make this not-have-happened”, “just a little lie…”, “you don’t have to say anything *today*”… but I do.  I wrestle.  Sometimes I lose.   Less than I used to, but this is my battle.  To get to the place where the fear hits me and rolls over me and rolls away, while I stand firm in purpose, firm in my decision to obey God above all others, to please God in all things, to give glory to His name no matter what the cost.

At my aid, I have truth.  I know the cost of the lie, the lost opportunity, the wrong action.  I have experienced all of that – and I’ve tasted the sweet fruit of doing things right.  Sometimes.  😉  And as I learn to pray increasingly without ceasing (as we are commanded to do) I can feel the pain of sin, even tiny sins.  That separation in doing things my way instead of God, it’s starting to hurt.  Blessed hurt.  It teaches me to order my life so that the communion with God is uninterrupted.

To one day have that always uninterrupted.  To let Christ flow through me.  Oh, how I want it.

And so, I must face my fear – and spit in its face.

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7 thoughts on “The Ah-Ha Moment

    1. hearthie Post author

      -looks quizzical- Always appreciate prayer, but I meant this more as a “this is the thing that I struggle with in life” sort of post rather than, “I am having a terrible day”. At the moment all I’m struggling with is … um… a kitchen with dinner dishes to be dealt with.

      But thank you, because I was aiming at exhortation through honesty and seem to have missed the mark. 🙂

      Reply
      1. Jenny

        I do that sometimes in my writing too. Did you host a big dinner today?

        We went to my In-laws.

      2. hearthie Post author

        No. Just us. I was going to but BFF was working so we went to my mom’s house for lunch-dessert and then I made potato salad with the eggs from this morning and a roast. Still wanted it clean before bed. 🙂 And ’tis. Just got done mopping the floor. (My kitchen is the size of a stamp, don’t be impressed). How was your dinner with the IL?

  1. Deborah

    Fear is one of my biggest struggles, too. Also one of my daughter’s–though she’s only 3 years old, it’s so clear that fear is a huge issue for her, just as it always has been for me. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life, and I think I’m beginning to realize … the only time I’m brave–the _only_ time–is when I’m so consumed with the right thing to do that my fear is unable to stop me.

    You may appreciate a post I wrote recently, a letter to my daughter (I write these periodically and eventually will print them out and bind them into a book for her). I didn’t talk about my own struggles, though my own struggles informed what I told her. The advice I gave her … I’m not perfect about following it myself, but I do try, and it’s definitely what I want to model for her.

    http://deborahreflections.blogspot.com/2014/03/letters-to-my-daughter-be-stronger-than.html

    Reply
    1. hearthie Post author

      I will! 🙂 Yes. Our children have our bad as well as our good – I gave my son the “do not fear” lecture last night in the kitchen.

      Reply
  2. kcreal618

    “Fear of God leads you to confess your failures and your mistakes and your missteps. It leads you to grit your teeth and tell the truth in the face of a relationship that might end. Fear of God means you stand up for what’s right, even if a sword’s to your neck…. or in your heart. It’s a deliberate choice, to do what’s right and leave the consequences to God – no matter what.”

    I like how you said it. It sticks to my head. Fear of God is a good thing but fear to our struggles makes us the person God doesn’t want us to be. God wants us to take confidence in Him as He leads us to His ever perfect plans. As Isaiah 41:10 says, So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    Reply

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