Pastor Mike said he was praying for all of us to have an “Ah-Ha Moment” during Easter services this weekend. Mine wasn’t particularly related to the sermon, but have it I did. And it will explain why I write as I do.
The source of most of the worst sin in my life is fear. Oh I’ve other sin, but I mean the stuff that I’m really *ashamed* of. The stuff that even my best friend doesn’t know about. That stuff. The times when you do something you know is wrong – because you’re afraid of: someone finding out…. losing someone… being hated…failure… etc. Deliberate, willful sin. I need to make this not happen. I need to make this better. I need to have control!
Fear of God leads you to confess your failures and your mistakes and your missteps. It leads you to grit your teeth and tell the truth in the face of a relationship that might end. Fear of God means you stand up for what’s right, even if a sword’s to your neck…. or in your heart. It’s a deliberate choice, to do what’s right and leave the consequences to God – no matter what.
And so I am working on a journey into bravery. I wish I could say that I *didn’t* have to struggle with the little voice that says, “you could make this not-have-happened”, “just a little lie…”, “you don’t have to say anything *today*”… but I do. I wrestle. Sometimes I lose. Less than I used to, but this is my battle. To get to the place where the fear hits me and rolls over me and rolls away, while I stand firm in purpose, firm in my decision to obey God above all others, to please God in all things, to give glory to His name no matter what the cost.
At my aid, I have truth. I know the cost of the lie, the lost opportunity, the wrong action. I have experienced all of that – and I’ve tasted the sweet fruit of doing things right. Sometimes. 😉 And as I learn to pray increasingly without ceasing (as we are commanded to do) I can feel the pain of sin, even tiny sins. That separation in doing things my way instead of God, it’s starting to hurt. Blessed hurt. It teaches me to order my life so that the communion with God is uninterrupted.
To one day have that always uninterrupted. To let Christ flow through me. Oh, how I want it.
And so, I must face my fear – and spit in its face.