Heart’s Desire

Refiner’s Fire

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold
Refiner’s fire
My heart’s one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within*

(I made the choice to make this blog as personal and transparent as I can, so you can come along with me.  I am only just starting this journey.   You’ll put up with my metaphors, will you not?  🙂  They’re not very good or air-tight as yet.)

What is your heart’s desire?  I’d like to say that the above lyrics cover my heart – and many a day, they do… but there’s more down in there.  I have spent a decade or three with a collar and chain ’round the throat of my innermost self, terrified lest I let her out… and mess something up.   I care so much that I’ve bottled my dreams up like jewels and set them on a high, dark shelf in the back of my heart.

It’s not that the dreams are evil, it’s that I choose to follow other things first.  And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I think having a collar & chain ’round the neck of my will has been a necessary thing.   Self-control is part of the Christian walk.  When the dog is ill-trained, it pulls at the leash.  When it’s decently-trained, it walks at heel.  When it’s perfectly trained, the master needs no leash at all.

So I’m trying to walk without a leash, no more choke collar for me.

Instead of burning my dreams on the altar, all those precious jewels I’m handing over to my Master and Lord.   I’m giving Him my jewels for safe-keeping.   Not giving them over to be burnt, but giving them over to Him that He can do with them as He wills.   I know He knows the depths of my heart… better than I do, for true.  But still I fear and am ashamed at some of my dreams, like a pigeon dreaming of soaring like a hawk, I shuffle my feet and say, “but I know that’s not for me”.   But… who says?  Does my Lord tell me not to dream?  He does not.  *He* tells me to trust Him.

I don’t know what I am.  I don’t know what He will make of me.  I can finger the jewels of my heart in the dark… or I can give them to Him.  It is a trust thing.  A deep trust thing, to give my dreams over for safe-keeping.

Some of them are small and temporal – I’d like to spend more time in the wild, I like the wilderness.  And I can smack that dream down, because at the moment it doesn’t look like happening… but why?  There’s nothing evil in that dream!  Or I can gently hand it to the Lord, and He can open the doors in His good time, in His good way.  Some of my dreams are huge and crazy… and no, I don’t trust anyone else with those dreams, I hardly dare dream them in the first place!!!   Entrusting these jewels to Him keeps me from striving to open doors that should remain shut, and keeps me from shyly walking past opportunities I should enjoy.

Humans are desire-creating machines.  I’m no Buddhist, to live without desire.  I have loads of them!  But I am a Christian, and I can trust my Lord to provide.  Provide me opportunity to serve Him, provide me opportunity to be closer to Him, provide me laughter, rest, work, love… and all the rest.

I can trust Jesus with the jewels of my heart, and I can live without twisting myself in knots on the off chance that I might mess up.  I can do that by giving Him control.  Ever more control, with every breath.

 

*(I love the way my church performs this song – I couldn’t find any versions in a short clip that didn’t sound like treacle.  Let’s just use the lyrics, shall we?  I think it’s from Hillsong, the attributions were from the singers not the writer.)

 

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