Another day, another introspection…
We talk about idols and what we idolize as Christians rather a lot. Wasn’t my last post on just that? Our tendency to idolize? If it’s not another god, it’s something in our lives that becomes a functional savior. It seems like life becomes one continual witch hunt.
I’ve started to be confronted with the fact that I need to spend less time trying to perfect myself, and more time looking to – and at – my Savior. The epistles are straightforward letters, telling us all about the dos and don’ts of Christian life. Good stuff. I’m so very comfortable in them. The gospels, on the other hand… they run me up against my Lord and Master, and they are anything but simple. I need to marinate. Not just read through, but read and sit and just be. Examine and study my Lord. NOT my to-do list, and the myriad ways that I fail. Him. I need to study Him. Focus on Him.
It was a hard emotional day today. I’ve been feeling like a failure on a few fronts. The fronts themselves aren’t important. The fact that it seems like my new idea of “just okay” is “spinning a thousand plates and not breaking a sweat”. Competence becomes my idol. You’d think that an idol would get praise, but all *my* idol gets is blame when things go wrong. “Self, you’re failing me! Why are you not perfect? Failure!” It takes a constant input of praise to keep my idol going … I tend to disbelieve about 95% of it, so tell me I’m wonderful and I will decide that *maybe* you shouldn’t throw me out with the old magazines.
I could entertain myself by psychoanalyzing myself. But that’s not a solution. The solution isn’t in this flesh. The solution is to give over. To ask for my daily bread – and to MEAN IT. The paradox of dependence and checking off the to-do list has to tip one way or the other. It’s time to chop the to-do list to bits and leave it on the altar.
No, I’m not going to take up eating bon-bons and sleeping until noon. Not *once* when I’ve asked Jesus to organize my day have I gotten less done than I hoped. Not once. Usually I get *more* done.
I’m killing myself, hating myself… and it’s all because I’ve decided to focus on myself. I never wanted to be my own savior, my own god.
Give us this day, our daily bread… I must rest in Him. Focus on Him. Study Him.
I don’t have to beat myself up. I don’t have to prop myself up. I don’t have to make something of myself. I don’t have to do anything with myself at all. That’s His job.
All praise, all focus, to Jesus. To God be the glory, great things He has done.