Testimony (partial)

I have an odd testimony. 

On the one hand, I was saved at four.  At six, God called me to be baptized (the first and only time I’ve ever walked up the aisle in a lifetime of emotional altar calls – imagine a shy six-year-old walking up the aisle in a 300 person church… it was God, not me).  At twelvish or so, God started calling me to surrender my whole life, and I wouldn’t.  I was hoping for boys, and all the things you can do with boys if you’re not surrendered to God.  Yes.  At 12.  God eventually stopped pestering me about surrender, He just waited until I was ready to say, “Okay God.  I’ve completely screwed up.  Here’s the keys to my life.  You drive”.  I was 30ish at that point? 

I’ve always been the “good girl” – at least on the surface.  That’s why you’ll see so much difference made between being nice and being holy.  I don’t like conflict, and I do like approval, and I’m a fairly quiet soul.  It was easy to be Miss Goody Two-Shoes.  But that wasn’t who I was in my heart.  At about the point I refused to obey God’s call to surrender, what I really wanted with all my heart and soul was to be married.  Golly, I spent hours every day fantasizing about being married.  Thinking up ways I could be married at 15 or 16, instead of having to (horrors!) wait until 18. 

I knew that that daydream wouldn’t go down well with anyone, and I kept it to myself.  It became an idol.  One day, a tall boy came into my life and found me pretty – it didn’t take long to make *him* my idol.  I’d have knelt at his feet and begged for a touch of his hand – if he’d let me.  (He didn’t).   What I wanted more than breath and life was to mark him *mine*. 

At the same time, I was getting on with the stuff everyone wanted me to do.  No skin off my back, I was good at school.  I knew I “had to” do school in order to get what I wanted out of life.  “Had to” jump through these hoops to get the ring.  (Literally). 

We married young (yes, I married that tall boy), shortly after I finished jumping through all the hoops.  (I have a BA, which I’ve never used.  All I wanted was to jump through the hoops as easily as possible). 

I found myself in possession of everything I’d idolized.  You know what?  Idols are  PROBLEM.  They’re a problem when you get them as much as when you chase them!  It’s not that marriage or my husband are bad… it’s that I wanted him more than I wanted God.  All the while acting like a good little Christian girl.   Go to church, memorize verses, listen to good sermons, learn about the Bible… and live for my passions.

It took time and tears to get right.   Lots of time, lots of tears.  *Lots* of tears.

I used to be a gummybear person, chasing an idol.  Now I’m a daughter of the King, and I know what’s truly precious.  And now I don’t have to hide what I really want out of life, because what I really want out of life is to please Him.  (Although a greenhouse and a craftsman home in Idaho wouldn’t be snorted at – lol).  (Hey, still in this mortal coil!)

6 thoughts on “Testimony (partial)

  1. Sis

    “I’ve completely screwed up. Here’s the keys to my life. You drive”. I was 30ish at that point? “. Great line, I’m still learning this.

  2. Elspeth

    You and I have discussed this simialrity of ours, how we idolized our men and were willing to do just about anything for them to keep them. Why God allowed us to have them at all is beyond me, but it is what it is, I suppose.

    Isn’t it a hard path though, digging yourself out of that spiritual pit? It was for me.

    1. hearthie Post author

      I don’t think I’ll ever be completely out of that pit… but oh dear heavens to betsy YES it was hard. Miserable, horrible, never EVER want to do it again, tears every day for *months* hard. Not good. -shudders-

  3. Amanda

    Wow do I know you? You sound like somebody I see in the mirror everyday. From faith to faith and glory to glory it really is! Thank you for your testimony.

    ” Now I’m a daughter of the King, and I know what’s truly precious. And now I don’t have to hide what I really want out of life, because what I really want out of life is to please Him.”

    Love it!


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