Laughing at myself

I pray, “Help me, Lord!  I can’t do this!”.

I am answered, and helped.

And then I find myself struggling against the Hands that are holding my head out of the water.  “Why didn’t you take me to shore?”

“Because I am teaching you to swim.”

“I was very fine swimming with one foot on the bottom”.

“No, you were not.”

“I don’t like this.”

“I know that.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know that.”

“Have You noticed that what we’re going through the rapids?  And that it’s really deep?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t like this.  I’m scared.  … and You must be really tired of hearing those words from me.”

…..

I don’t know whether He’s tired of hearing those words from me or not… I’m tired of saying them.  I felt like I was perfectly fine, swimming and bouncing along on my toes, never going too deep.   He wants more for me.  From me.  Has better plans.

-closes her eyes-

I am tired.  My fear comes in fits and starts.  But I’m so tired.  I don’t want to struggle in the deep water any more – and yet I dearly want to swim, and even more dearly, I want to please Him.  I would beg to take a break from this lesson, but I know that He has me far from shore right now, deep in the rapids… and if I come to shore, I’ll have to do the lesson over again.

It’s one thing to have faith that the One holding you up won’t steer you wrong, and another to take a deep breath and relax, forcing yourself not to tense up.  To close your eyes and *trust*.  Not to look for yourself, not to steer for yourself.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

The endless struggle of the will against the emotions…….

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